So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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