the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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