Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
