my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
