I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
