Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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