Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
