It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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