Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
