tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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