Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My feet surprised me
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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