please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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