turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Still dying that you shit outside
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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