On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
