Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
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That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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