just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
