I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"