last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Another day, another engagement, another cat
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.