Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word