Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
