at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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