but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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