I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
