You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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