Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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