In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
