I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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