Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?