just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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