His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.