sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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