Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Houston, we have a blender
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
