When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
