She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
