Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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