So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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