my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
