Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
