i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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