chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Two words: blizzard sex
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
