it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
