Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
