if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
