after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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