I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
