i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
