I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
