Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am spending my child support on dildos
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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