Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
