Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
