The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize