i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
