I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
