Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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