Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
