can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
