i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
