A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
