Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
