dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
