Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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