ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
