I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
