I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
